An old farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.
From morning till night (and sometimes later) she was always complaining
about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing
with his mule. He plowed a lot.
One day while plowing, His wife bought him lunch in the field.
He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump and began to eat
his lunch. Immediately his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag,
it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her
square in the head and killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral, the minister noticed something odd. When a woman would
approach the grieving farmer, he would listen awhile and start nodding his head.
When a man would approach, he would listen and shake his head in disagreement.
This happened so consistently, the minister decided to ask the farmer about
it.
The old farmer said " Well the women would come up and say something nice
about how nice his poor wife looked in her new dress and all. I would agree and
thank them. All the men wanted to know was if the mule was for sale."
On the first day of creation, God created the Horse.
On the second day, God created Man to serve the Horse.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth to spook the Horse when Man
was upon his back.
On the fourth day, God created an honest day's work so that man could labor to pay for
the keeping of the Horse.
On the fifth day, God created the grasses in the field so that Horse could eat and man
could toil and cleanup after the Horse.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the Horse healthy and Man
broke.
On the seventh day, God rested and said "This is good. This will teach Man
humility, it will tire him out and keep him striving ever forward to meet the needs of the
Horse."
An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas
when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her
a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The
ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out
a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one
final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the
service station attendant.
"Nothing," shrugged the woman, "I merely sat behind him on the
horse, arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so
I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback..."
Father asked little Johnny what he'd like for his birthday. Johnny promptly replied
he'd like a baby sister. His birthday came and Johnny got his baby sister.
The next year Father asked him again what he'd like for his upcoming birthday.
"Dad", said Johnny. "I'd like a pony -- if it's not too hard on mom."
Two show stallions are arguing over who should take best of breed. The first says,
"I'll grant you are the closest I have ever seen to my equal, but my legs are just a
bit straighter than yours, and, you know, the legs are of prime importance: no foot, no
horse!"
The second horse says, "I'll allow your legs are just a bit better than mine, but
mine are the legs I was born with and I know for a fact you had thousands of dollars of
corrective work. Your foals will inherit your natural legs, not your genius farrier!"
The first horse mulls this for a moment, then says, "You're right. I stand
corrected..."
A horse showed up at a ballpark. He headed for the manager and said much to the
manager's surprise, "I'd like to try out for the team."
The manager eventually recovered from hearing a horse talk and said, "Really? Let me
see you catch a few."
The horse walked to 3rd base and caught every ball hit to him. The manager asked him to
throw. The horse whisked the ball toward the first baseman with amazing accuracy and
speed. Picking up a a heavy bat a few minutes later, the horse proceeded to hit ball after
ball over the centerfield fence.
The manager said, "Not bad at all. Now let me see your run."
The horse said, "If I could run, I'd be in the Kentucky Derby!"
A man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself.
Suddenly his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him over the head with a frying pan.
The man jumps up and says "What was that for?!" His wife replies "I found a
piece of paper in your pant's pocket with the name Marylou written on it?!" "
"Oh honey," said the man. "Don't you remember two weeks ago when I went to
the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."
His wife seemed satisfied and headed out to do some work around the house, feeling a bit
better about things. Three days later the man was again sitting in his chair minding his
own business and once again his wife came up behind him and hit him over the head with a
frying pan.
The man jumped up and shouted "What's that for this time?"
His wife replied "Your horse called!"
A priest wanted to raise money for his church. When told that there was a
fortune in horse racing, he decided to purchase a racehorse and enter it in the races.
However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up
buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might just as well go ahead
and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the
local paper carried this headline: PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS...
The priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and
this time it won. The paper read: PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT...
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the priest not to
enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S
ASS...
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the priest to get rid of the donkey.
The priest decided to give the donkey to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the
next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN...
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun she couldn't keep the donkey. She sold the
donkey to a farmer for $10. Next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10...
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it
to the plains where it could run wild and free. Next day, the headline in the paper reads:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE...
The Bishop was buried the next day.
How many Horses does it take to Change a Light Bulb?
Warmblood: Light bulb? What light bulb?
Any foal: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and
you're inside worrying about a stupid light bulb?
Shetland pony: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Thoroughbred: Just one. And I'll rewire the barn while I'm at it.
Saddlebred: Sorry. Just had my hooves and mane done.
Morgan: Oh, me me me!!! Pleeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I?
Quarter Horse: Let him do it. You can pet me while he's busy.
Trakehener: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
Akhal-Teke: Zero! AT's aren't afraid of the dark!
Holsteiner: How DARE that light bulb burn out! How DARE you ask me to change it! OH!
(flouncing off)
Appaloosa: No, don't change it. If it's dark, maybe no one will see me raiding the feed
room.
Arab: That's what we pay the help for. I'll just chew on his shirttail while he's at it.
Connemara: We'll just be after havin' a nip of the Bushmill's, we will, and then we'll not
be noticin' th' light.
Andalusian: Let the maid do it. I need to go roll in the mud.
Clydesdale: Och, an' ye'll just be usin' up the 'lectricity, ye will. Better tae use a wee
but o' candle. Better yet t' not waste either and just gae t' sleep when the sun gaes
doon. Electricity is verra dear.
NSH:(fidgeting) Lights? Lights? Where? Do you want me to pose" This is my good side
… No, wait, let me get my mane straight … No, wait, this angle is all wrong. No,
wait, maybe this is my good side. So ... do you want dramatic … or bold … or
maybe sensitive?
Standardbred: Just give me the dumb light
At an auction a man walks by a table and an Italian man selling many things plus a
beautiful horse.
The buyer asks, "Hey do you want to sell me your horse?"
The Italian says, "I woulda sella youa it but ita noa looka so good.
The other answers, "Sure, he looks fine to me. How much do you want for it?"
I tella youa hea noa looka so good.
I'll give you $500. I canna not sella it toa youa. Hea noa looka so good. The man raises
his offer to $1,000.
Finally the Italian says, "O.K." The buyer gets on the horse gallops off and the
horse hits a tree. The buyer angrily tells the other, "You S.O.B. you sold me a blind
horse.
The Italian answers, "I tella youa hea noa looka so good!!!
One day in heaven, Saint Peter, Saint Paul and Saint John were standing around near the
horse paddocks watching the horses frolic.
I am certainly bored," stated John.
Me too," Paul chimed in. Peter stood and watched the horses. "I know!"
Peter began.
Why don't we have a horse show?" Paul and John thought that the idea was great except
for one small detail that Paul pointed out. "Who are we to compete against,
Peter?" Paul asked. The trio pondered a moment when Peter realized the answer.
"We will call up Satan and invite him to the horse show. I mean, we have all of the
finest horses here in heaven, all of the World and National Champions are here. His stable
is ridden with the spoiled, difficult and mean horses.
We are certain to win at the show!" And so the trio calls up Satan on the other realm
communication lines and invited him to their horse show. Satan laughed and asked why they
would want to be humiliated like that, because he would certainly beat them.
Peter, Paul and John did not understand. "What do you mean Satan?"
Peter asked. "We have all of the National and World Champion horses in our stable in
heaven. How could you possibly beat us?"
Satan paused a moment and then laughed. "Have you forgotten so soon gentlemen? I have
all the judges!"
Why couldn't the pony talk? Because he was a little hoarse.
How to make a small fortune in the horse industry ... start with a large fortune.
Jenny wasn't very smart, but she watched westerns all the time and she was sure that if
she got the chance, she would be able to ride any horse!
One day as she was walking along, she saw a horse, already saddled and bridled. She looked
around to make sure no one saw her, then though 'If I just take a short ride, then bring
the horse back, the owner won't notice'.
So she climbed up on its back, and started her ride. At first things went well, then
suddenly the horse bolted forward at a full gallop! She dropped the reins and held on to
the horn for dear life! Then, as the horse continued to gallop madly, her right foot
started to slip from the stirrup. She tried to keep from slipping, but the saddle was
slick and the horse was jolting her around. She slipped farther, and farther, until her
arm could no longer hold on. As her arm gave out, she slipped to the ground, and hit it
with a thud. But, to her horror, she saw that her foot had gotten caught in the stirrup!
She started screaming for help, hoping that someone would notice her being dragged by the
runaway horse. Just as she was about to faint, she saw someone running toward her. He bent
over and pulled the cord, and the mechanical Wal-Mart horse stopped moving.
An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country
road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny. The man asked for
help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched
Benny to the man's car bumper. Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Benny
didn't move. Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger." Still, Benny didn't move.
Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." Benny just stood. Then
the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Benny, pull." Benny pulled the car out of
the ditch.
The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by
the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought
he was the only one pulling he wouldn't even try."
A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend over to look at
a horse.
The buddy says,"how will I recognize him?"
"That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment"
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth."
So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth. can I see her mouf"? The rancher is gettin pretty pissed off by
this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?
Totally pissed at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arm and jams the midget's
head as far as he can up the horse's you-know-what, pulls him out and slams him on the
ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
"Perhapth I should rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdle bit"?
