A tough old cowboy told his grandson that
if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun
powder on his oatmeal every morning.
The grandson did this religiously to the
age of 103. When he died, he left 14 children, 30 grand-children, 45
great-grandchildren, 25 great-great grandchildren, and a 15 foot hole where
the crematorium used to be.
A man
was driving through Texas one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had
not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to cough
and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting by the road in
total silence.
He
popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get
it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he
could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent.
As he
peered by the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had
not put in new batteries, like he had promised.
Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump."
The
man jumped up quickly striking his head on the underside of the hood. "Who said
that?" he demanded.
There
were two horses standing in the field alongside and the man was amazed when the
nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump, tap it with your
flashlight, and try it again."
Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and
sure enough, the engine roared into life.
He
muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.
When
he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar.
"Large whiskey, please!" he said.
A
rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked,
"What's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost!"
"It's
unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.
The
rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it
by any chance a white horse?"
The
man replied to the affirmative. "Yes it was! Am I crazy?"
"No, you ain't crazy. In
fact, you're very lucky," said the rancher "because the black horse don't know
nothing about cars!"
A kid walked up to a guy wearing a 10-gallon hat, leather vest, leather chaps, and
sneakers. The kid asked him, "Mr. Cowboy, why do you wear that big hat?"
The cowboy replied, "Well, son, the big hat protects me from hot sun and driving
rain, and at night I put it over my face when I sleep on the range, so it protects me
then, too."
"Why do you wear that leather vest?"
"It also helps to keep the weather off me, and it has pockets where I can keep my
valuables."
"Well, why do you wear leather chaps?"
"They protect my legs when I'm driving my horse through mesquite and cactus."
"Well, Mr. Cowboy," the kid finally asked, "Why do you wear sneakers?"
"That's so somebody won't think I'm a damn truck driver."
A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Clinton came on
the TV. After a few sips he looked up at the screen and mumbled, "Now there's the
biggest horse's ass I've ever seen."
Immediately, a customer at the end of the bar got up, walked over, decked him, and left.
A few minutes later, the man was finishing his beer when Hillary Clinton appeared on the
TV. "She's a horse's ass too," he said.
A customer from the other end of the bar got up, walked over, and knocked him off his
stool.
"Damnit!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Clinton
country!"
"Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"
The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff
watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied
his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.
"Howdy, stranger..."
"Howdy, Sheriff..."
The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big
kiss were the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, and stepped up on the walk and
aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon.
"Hold on there, Mister..."
"Sheriff?"
"Did I just see what I think I just saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff...I got me some powerful chapped lips..."
"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked."
Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white
horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I
do... Why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd
like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat
exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a
little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run
around Silver for a little while and see if you can create enough of a breeze to give him
a little relief!"
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his
beer.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks,
"Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and
claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" The cowboy looks him in the eye
and says...
"Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin'."
A ventriloquist cowboy walks into town and sees an Indian sitting on his porch. He
figures he'll have a little fun...
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?" Indian: "Dog no
talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?" Dog: "Doin' alright." Indian:
extreme look of shock
Cowboy: " Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at Indian. Dog: "Yep"
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?" Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day,
feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play." Indian: look of
disbelief.
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?" Horse: "Cool." Indian: extreme
look of shock
Cowboy: "Is this your owner? " pointing at Indian. Horse: "Yep"
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He
rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the
elements."
Indian: total look of amazement
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep Lie."
